A Vast and Never-Ending Rearrangement

When the Universe gives you what you didn't ask for, but it was exactly what you needed 😭

Photo by Karla Hernandez on Unsplash

At the end of 2022…

I had high hopes of chronicling the last five months of being a graduate student. But trying to finish writing my doctoral dissertation and doing full-time non-profit work simultaneously, well, let’s just say, I felt as if I used up all my words. While it’s difficult for someone like me to be rendered speechless (my mother and partner know well that I’m rarely at a loss for words, as they say), I felt like I had very little to no words to share. The last time I sent a missive, I asked what people would want me to write about and the majority selected, “How did grad school change you?”

Before I do that, I’ll share why the title of this post is “the vast and never-ending rearrangement.” My incomparable, supremely brilliant, awe-inspiring, good friend, and collaborator, artist, and educator Lauren Lee McCarthy uses this word frequently to describe when a work, performance, or experience has significantly shifted her thoughts and feelings. I have heard her say and use these words, “This…rearranged me.” I started thinking about how we are always in constant “rearrangement.” Often, these changes and shifts are painful, but needed. Exhausting, yet liberating. Agonizing, but somehow, relief and healing are around the corner.

There were moments when I was writing and editing my dissertation and I felt like giving up (on my most dramatic days). I cried and I also laughed hysterically at the absurdity of finishing something the size of a book (Heavy handed note here: a dissertation is NOT a book. Trust me because I trust my mentors and guides along the way). Writing such a project and making art to process my theorizations and reflections were and are truly the beginning of something bigger and better. In hindsight, these exercises were a lot like going through the Cheese Maze at Chuck E. Cheese when I was a kid. It felt strange and surreal. You run into other kids you don’t know. There are moments when you feel scared and want to turn around. You find the courage to move forward despite making the decision to go through it alone. You also find moments where you ask for help (and quickly learn who the sweet and not-so-nice kids are).

At the end of the day, I learned that nothing would actually prepare me for the things that were ahead. It was May 31, 2023, and I submitted the final version of my dissertation after successfully defending it on May 19th. It felt anti-climatic, but a huge sense of relief flooded me knowing that I would not have to worry about it ever again (and if so, it would be amending and adding to the existing research, which I knew and was excited about). The following day, on June 1st, my partner (they/him) and I found out that the tumor the doctor found was cancerous. It’s nearing the end of August and they have finished the first round of chemotherapy and now entering into radiation. Then, more chemo through the end of the year. As you might imagine, I didn’t feel celebratory graduating in June because all I want(ed) is for my partner’s health and well-being. For the record, they’re in good spirits and we’re taking a break for the next few days to recuperate from (and celebrate) this first round of therapy and take time to reflect and just be as present as possible with each other (and nature). Dreaming about the future also has healing effects too, I’m certain and optimistic. I must say it was a beautiful sight for our families to see us graduating and walking at commencement together. ♥️ Yes, I met the love of my life in grad school and we were good friends the entire time.

I guess, in the end, grad school taught me how to be present, self-aware, how to (actively) listen, how to disagree respectfully, how to be skeptical (but not cynical), how to read generously, and how to care for myself (more) so I am able to take care of my loved ones. And yes, the Universe might have thrown a few things my way that I thought were impossible to handle, but I’m also learning how to give care in a way that I have never done before and reminded, constantly, that I need to pay attention to my body way more than I have been. Lastly, please PLEASE, take care of yourselves, hydrate, eat when you’re hungry, and be still when your heart starts racing.

PS: Some folks have asked how to help at this time, please feel free to contact me directly at dorothy.r.santos@gmail.com if you’re interested in offering support. Please do not feel obligated to connect with me. I know everyone is living their lives and folks have A LOT going on. Most importantly, for loved ones and the community who have show us immense generosity, care, and love, especially at this time, our eternal gratitude and love to you.

A Few Things I’ve Done…

Wrote my Artist Statement (Finally! 🤪)

Arts Management & Technology Laboratory Podcast, Part I and II

The Cyborg’s Prosody, or Speech AI and the Displacement of Feeling on Sounding Out

Mediating the Social: The Excesses of Racial Representation within (Trans)formative Digital Space published to Platform Journal

What I’m reading…

Everybody: A Book About Freedom by Olivia Laing

Permission to Come Home by Jenny T. Wang, Ph.D

Waking the Witch: Reflections on Women, Magic, and Power by Pam Grossman